As IF!!

Nostalgic pop culture moment of the week:

Yesterday, July 19, 2010 marked 15 years since the release of "Clueless" in movie theaters across the country. My lateness on posting this essential blog reeks worse than Amber's designer impostor perfume. If I wanted to be truly timely, I would have written yesterday. But I was in a state of denial, so it had to be pushed to today.

Not that any of you care that this is one of my favorite movies of all time or how old I feel to think that it came out 15 YEARS AGO. WhatEVER!! I'm sorry, but I should not be old enough to remember things that happened 15 years ago. Anyway, I find it impossible to adequately describe how much I love and cherish this movie, and it's probably unnecessary to try. But try I will.

It's hard to remember when and how exactly this movie came into my life. Indeed, I was only a mere nine years old when it was released. What I do remember was having a copy of it on VHS, most likely taped from TV, that me and my brother would watch ALL THE TIME, specifically every single day during the summer of 1996. And I mean quite literally every single day. Every single day until of course, our mother came home from work one day to find that instead of doing our chores we had been watching "Clueless" all day. She subsequently busted the video tape over her knee and tossed it in the garbage, consequently busting my dreams and tossing those into the garbage as well. Thanks, Mom.

In commemoration, I thought I'd share my favorite quotes from this blessed ode to the '90s. First, treat yourself to the original theatrical trailer below:



I love how trailers used to be. However, I now realize that this trailer totally shows WAY too much (oh HAI Cher and Josh kissing on the stairs!!). But it does give you an idea about how truly magnificent Cher Horowitz and her cohorts are. Other evidence of this fact:

CHER: Until mankind is peaceful enough not to have violence in the news, there's no point in taking it out of shows that need it for entertainment value.

CHER: Would you call me selfish?
DIONNE: No, not to your face.



MEL: So, what did you do in school today?
CHER: Well, I broke in my purple clogs.

CHER: I want to do something for humanity.
JOSH: How about sterilization?


CHER: Do you prefer "fashion victim" or "ensembly challenged?"

CHER: Searching for a boy in high school is as useless as searching for meaning in a Pauly Shore movie.

TAI: Cher, you're a virgin?
CHER: You say that like it's a bad thing.
DIONNE: Besides, the PC term is "hymenally challenged."


CHER: I was surfin' the crimson wave.

DIONNE: Hello? That was a stop sign.
CHER: I totally paused.

CHER: Thank you, Josh. I SO need lessons from you on how to be cool. Tell me the part about Kenny G again?

MEL: Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you.

CHER (about choosing men): You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.


MURRAY: Your man Christian is a cake-boy!
CHER & DIONNE: A what?!
MURRAY: He's a disco-dancing, Oscar Wilde-reading, Streissand ticket-holding friend of Dorothy, you know what I'm saying?
CHER: Uh-uh. No way.
MURRAY: He's gay.
CHER: Not even.
MURRAY: Yes, even.
DIONNE: He does like to shop, Cher. And the boy can dress.

JOSH: You know, if I ever saw you do anything that wasn't 90 percent selfish, I'd die of shock.
CHER: Oh, that'd be reason enough for me.

CHER: This is where Dionne lives. She's my friend because we both know what it's like for people to be jealous of us.



TAI: Do you think she's pretty?
CHER: No, she's a full-on Monet.
TAI: What's a Monet?
CHER: It's like a painting see? From far way, it's OK, but up close, it's a big old mess. Let's ask a guy. Christian, what do you think of Amber?
CHRISTIAN: Hagsville.
CHER: See?


MR. HALL: And could the suicide attempts PLEASE be postponed until the next period?

MEL: Do you know what time it is?
CHER: A watch doesn't really go with this outfit, daddy.

JOSH: We might get Marky Mark to plant a celebrity tree.
CHER: Oh how fabulous. Getting Marky Mark to take time out of him busy pants-dropping schedule to plant trees.

MEL: Where are you?
CHER: I'm just having a snack at my girlfriend's.
MEL: Where, in Kuwait??
CHER: Is that in the Valley?

HEATHER: It's just like Hamlet said, "To thine own self be true."
CHER: Hamlet didn't say that.
HEATHER: I think I remember Hamlet accurately.
CHER: Well, I remember Mel Gibson accurately, and he didn't say that. That Polonius guy did.

TAI: Cher, I don't want to do this anymore. And my buns? They don't feel nothin' like steel.

CHER: So, like, right now for example. The Haitians need to come to America. But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?" Well, it's like when I had this garden party for my father's birthday, right? I put R.S.V.P. 'cause it was a sit-down dinner. But some people came that, like, did not R.S.V.P. I was, like, totally buggin.' I had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food and squish in extra place settings. But by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier. And so if the government could just get to the kitchen, rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians. And in conclusion, may I please remind you it does not say R.S.V.P. on the Statue of Liberty.

CHER (repeatedly): As IF!



Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard with the quotables. Maybe I should be embarrassed by my total love and devotion to this film. But, honestly, this is one of the funniest movies ever made. The script is so completely amazing that I'm sure even with the abundance of quotes provided here, I missed some important gems*. And while on the surface, Cher is a totally unlikeable character, she really is great and I totally want to be her BFF. (I also totally want her closet and outfit-choosing program, but that's a separate issue.) This is why "Clueless" is one of those movies that if it's on TV, I'm physically unable to change the channel. In the past, I've watched it multiple times in a week, sometimes even in a day. It's just that good. Plus, it's the first time I fell in love with Paul Rudd, so that's special.

We should also take this moment to remember Brittany Murphy, whose portrayal of Tai is completely classic, and whose untimely death is somewhat of a black mark on the enjoyment of watching this movie from now on.

Anyway, Happy 15th Clueless Anniversary. Take these words of wisdom and use them in real life. Take this moment to remember and appreciate the '90s and subsequently, your youth. And don't judge me for this totally gratuitous blog post - writing this is the funnest thing I'll do all day (besides going home and watching the DVD my brother bought me many years after the unfortunate VHS smashing which we now just refer to as "the Clueless incident"). And that's reason enough for me!

*UPDATE: Tonight, while I was at the movies, I received a text from my most amazing/hilarious father that read as follows: "When I get my license, I fully intend to brake for animals."

Things I learned from this text:
1.) I missed one of Cher's great quotes, just like I predicted I would.
2.) My dad reads my blog.
3.) Apparently my dad was watching Clueless recently??
4.) I have the BEST.DAD.EVER.