Plane time is shutty time

I don't even know what to say right now.

I want to write a long and angry post about the hell that is airports and flying. I want to. I want to tell you about the injustice Delta served me this weekend and how they are so dead to me they might as well have never been born. But it's like they sucked the life out of me and I don't even have the energy to rant.

And honestly, I couldn't come up with anything better than this magnificent verbal beating dished up by my friend Jen and her husband Sean or this 100 percent accurate depiction of airplane pain illustrated by my love, The Oatmeal. It's like they took my deep hatred for flying and all things related and then wrote it down and made it hilarious. I'm not kidding, this is exactly how I feel, so you can just read those and get on with your life if you want.

These are the things that happen when I fly Delta:

1. My flight is delayed (coming AND going).

2. They lie about how much my flight will be delayed (coming AND going).

3. I'm surrounded by an annoying army of a Mormon family, all on their way to spend spring break at Disneyland.

4. The captain is annoying and his announcements are unnecessary and unnecessarily loud.

5. The stewardess obviously has the widest butt in the world because EVERY SINGLE TIME she walks past me, she bumps my arm, which isn't even intruding in the aisle. Every single time. Every time.

6. We taxi on the runway for like 30 minutes after we land.

7. It takes a century at baggage claim.

8. At baggage claim, two dirtbags engage in a loud cool contest, which neither one of them is winning.

9. I fly into LAX which is hell on earth.

10. People don't shut up, especially married couples. (You're MARRIED. Talk when you get home; plane time is shutty time.)

11. The stewardess dumps bags of peanuts on MY tray table and expects me to distribute them to my neighbors.

12. They have a snack CART. Still.

This is of course an incomplete list of the reasons I will never fly Delta ever again. It's just all I have the energy to tell you about. The only good thing that happened on either trip was that the particular aircraft we flew into Salt Lake on had TVs in the back of every seat and FX was playing "XXX: State of the Union," and I caught a scene featuring Scott Speedman. Which was then completely ruined when it was rudely interrupted by an idiotic announcement from our "captain" who had a very effeminate voice. (Call me sexist or a bigot, but for some reason I'd just rather my captain have a manly voice. Actually, I'd rather not hear from him at all, but if I have to I don't want to feel like I'm going to have to protect HIM in the case of a crash landing or other crisis situation.)

Rest assured, Delta Airlines will not even be considered the next time I torture myself by flying somewhere.

When I finally got into LA on Thursday, the only thing that could calm me down was my aunt driving me through In-N-Out.



The weekend was worth the torture, I SUPPOSE. But I will blog about that another day when it isn't after 11:00 p.m. and I haven't just flown on the most ghetto airline in the United States proper. Plus I just ate a really large cheeseburger from Red Robin. I can't be bothered with weekend updates.